Chapter Forty Three - I'm Not

Sometimes, my own reasoning baffled me.

After telling Matt we were completely done with each other, from music to car rides, I still had the audacity to expect him to call me up in the evening and demand why I hadn't shown up at his house for music training yet.

Maybe it was because I really wanted to see him and ask why he would hit Sean. Why did it even matter to him if Sean had hurt me? Yes, I had let him see my pathetic, drunk side the night before, but I'd never once asked him to take matters into his hands like that.

My feet involuntarily took me to my window for the nth time as I stared out at his front door.

Just call me once and I'll show up, I promise.

Burying my face in my hands, I exhaled loudly at my desperation.

A part of me just wanted to show up at his doorstep and scream at him. Say nothing. Just scream. Then, come back home and go to bed.

Before I could let that urge take over, I got myself into bed and decided to sleep off my frustration, but it was all in vain as I kept tossing and turning the entire night.

"Come on," I groaned into my pillow. "Why can't I stop thinking about you, Williams?"

That was my last thought before falling asleep, and the next thing I saw was my nightstand watch flashing 5 a.m. I sat up with a start and, like some pre-programmed robot, started following my daily routine.

At 6 a.m., I was ready and was anxiously pacing across my room, wondering if Matt was going to ask me to ride with him again. If he did, I was gonna go with him.

I stared out of my window. He should've been heading to school by now, but his car was still in the driveway with no sign of him.

Was practice cancelled? Could he still be in bed? Should I text him?

After a lot of thinking, or maybe five seconds of thinking, I made an impulsive decision and found myself walking out of my house, crossing the street and standing at his doorstep.

I have a very valid reason to be here. I need to ask about Sean. I told myself.

When Garrett answered the door, I offered him a little smile, and he stepped aside to let me in, welcoming as ever.

"Good morning, Garrett."

"Good morning, Rebekah."

"Is Matt home?"

He hesitated for a moment but nodded towards the stairs. I wasn't patient enough to ask him what that was about. I needed to see Matt. I made my way upstairs and knocked on his bedroom door.

He did not answer. Was he still sleeping? Was he okay?

I pushed the door open in confusion. His room was empty but messy. Stuff had been thrown around, papers were lying on the floor, and the sheets were ruffled. What happened in here?

Then I heard a voice. A giggle. From inside the bathroom.

"God!" A whimper. "I've missed this," came a muffled sound, and I instantly recognized it.

Rebecca!

I clamped my hand over my mouth to stifle a shriek. Even before I could recover from that surprise, the door clicked open, making my eyes widen in horror. I desperately went for the nearest item—the curtains—and jumped behind them.

My heart was beating loudly as their footsteps echoed in the room. I prayed with everything I had that they hadn't spotted me. I looked down to make sure the curtains were ceiling to floor, and they were. Thank God!

"We should do this more often," Rebecca giggled.

"I'm late for practice."

I'd known Matt was in there with her but the tiny hope that maybe it was some other guy in his room with Rebecca, even if it was a stupid hope, was crushed when I heard his stern voice.

"Of course you're late for practice, babe. Are you complaining? Didn't I make it worth your while?" Then I heard her moan as she probably kissed him, and I found my face heating up with embarrassment and anger all at once. I shouldn't be here.

"I really have to get to practice," Matt said, a little breathless.

"Fine. I'm dressed already." With a chuckle, she navigated across the room to gather her items. "Can you pull back the curtains? Let some sunlight in."

Oh shit! I started to panic as the room went silent. Did they figure it out? Did I have an outline on the curtain? Oh no!

"No," Matt replied.

"Fine. I'll do it." She sighed.

"The sun's not even completely up yet. Besides, I like it this way. We're leaving anyway, so just go have some breakfast."

"What about you?"

"I don't eat before practice. I'll meet you downstairs."

"Don't keep me waiting."

Another loud, sloppy peck. And then, she was gone. I heard him shut the door after her.

I let out a breath. Now I just have to wait for Matt to leave too—

The curtains were swung aside, and a little scream erupted from my throat. I immediately brought my hands over my mouth, staring up at him with wide eyes.

Matt didn't even look surprised to find me there. He just had a blank stare on his face like he'd already known I was behind the curtains. He didn't even look pissed as he folded his arms over his naked torso, waiting for an explanation.

I noticed he was only in a towel, which made the situation even more awkward, and I found myself slithering towards his door, laughing nervously, "So what gave me away, huh? Did I have an outline on the curtain, or was it my shadow somewhere? Perhaps Rebecca was too dumb to notice—"

"I saw you run behind it."

"Oh."

My hand reached the knob and froze there when he said, "she's still down there."

"Right." I nodded. "I should probably wait for you guys to leave." Then I walked over to his bed, sat down, and immediately got up because a lot of stuff must have gone down there over the night. I scurried over to the window instead, feeling Matt's eyes following me across the room.

"I'll just stay here." I looked outside. "Or do you want me to wait inside the bathroom? Or outside your room? On the stairs? She's not on the stairs, right?" I realized I was rambling, so I shut myself up and turned my back to him. "I'll just stay here."

I heard his sharp intake of breath.

"What are you doing here, Rebekah?"

"Nothing," I replied.

I was suddenly very hot. My cheeks and neck felt like they were on fire. I almost fanned myself if it meant I could be distracted from his scorching gaze on me.

"You expect me to believe that?"

"No."

I looked down at my hands, fidgeting my fingers nervously, and started contemplating the situation. He was having sex with Rebecca when I'd walked in, and probably sometime before that, quite possibly the major part of the night.

They were going at it while I was up in my room, wondering why he was late for practice. Wondering if he was okay. Worrying about him.

"Rebekah?"

For some weird reason, I had a lump forming in my throat as I tried my best to blink back the tears pooling in my eyes. It had to be the embarrassment. It had to be.

"You should get dressed and leave," I croaked out. "I can't be here long. Sean's on his way to pick me up."

I'd been thinking about different excuses to give Sean for not coming to pick me up once Matt would've asked me to ride with him. But now I knew it wasn't happening.

The deafening silence between us was mauled when he growled, "Then why are you here?"

"Because I can't leave with Rebecca having breakfast downst—"

"Why did you come here in the first place?" His voice was impatient as he neared me, and with all my frustration, I spun around and glared at him.

"Because I'm mad at you."

"Why?"

"Sean's face...that bruise and the black eye. Was that you?"

I'd caught him off guard. The surprise in his eyes was clear as day. After a moment, he chuckled lowly to himself. "Of course, it's about Sean. Everything is about Sean."

I crossed my arms, demanding, "Did you punch him, Matt?"

"I did," he spoke without hesitation, almost proud.

"Why?" I snapped.

"Because he hurt you."

He'd said it so easily, like it had meant nothing to him, but those words stirred something deep within me and made me feel emotions I did not want to feel. I looked away, biting down on my lip.

"Why would you care if he hurt me?" My voice wavered, and I could feel my face becoming hot as I did everything in my power to hold my tears. Anger always made me emotional, and I was mad at him for countless reasons. The major one was that he'd been with Rebecca last night, and she'd woken up in his bed. She'd been in the same room all night where we'd practiced music for hours. Where we had so much fun. Did that mean nothing to him?

"How the hell could I not care?" he snapped, taking a step closer. "You're so blinded by this perfect image of Sean, you let him walk all over you. Someone has to look out for you."

My heart skipped a beat. I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned back against the window. "I never asked you to look out for me."

"You don't have to."

His eyes were so honest in that moment but angry all the same. He was making me feel so many things without even realizing it. I didn't know I'd been missing out on a completely foreign feeling of comfort and protection until he'd said that.

I felt my heart swell, but I put on a straight face and raised a brow at him. "Oh, so I'm some pathetic charity case to you now? Well, newsflash! Sean is not some psycho you have to protect me from. And even if he was, I've got this. So don't feel obliged to hit him in the future if he hurts me again. I can take care of myself."

At this, he let out another chuckle and placed his hands on his hips. My eyes kept lowering to his towel, and I had to keep bringing them up to his face. "Hurts you again. Your words. Do I even need to say anything?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"It doesn't matter. He won't get to do it again."

I swallowed. The utter and raw honesty in his eyes was slowly undoing me and building a new version of me at the same time—a fearless version who knew he had my back.

"He won't," I announced.

He observed me for a moment. "You think you have a future with him, Becks. That's naive."

"Excuse me?"

"You and him, it's never gonna work."

My jaw dropped. "What the hell, Matt?"

"You're really gonna spend the rest of your life blushing whenever he walks into the room, grateful for his presence? One day, he might bring you flowers, and you're gonna start worshipping him like a God, like you deserve any less."

I didn't realize when he'd stepped so close that I was practically sandwiched between him and the window. Another inch and... he would be pressed up against me. Another inch, and I would feel his heartbeat...or he would feel mine since my heart was beating so loudly.

I lowered my gaze to his mouth, swallowing.

"And if you think so highly of Romeo for doing the shit every other guy does, you're just lowering your own worth. And a relationship like that is bound to fail, Becks."

"Every guy but you," was the only thing I blurted out in response to that entire statement.

A whole new emotion flashed across his face. I couldn't tell if he was amused or felt challenged.

"Yes. Other guys, not me."

The rattling of the door knob made me snap my head towards the door.

"Babe? Why is the door locked?" Rebecca hollered.

"I'll be downstairs in five. Wait in the car," Matt said and took a step back.

"Okay! Don't keep me waiting for long."

Once she was gone, I averted my eyes back to Matt. "You sleep with Rebecca and have the audacity to judge me and call me pathetic."

"Rebecca and I are nothing like you and Sean. I don't give her any false hope."

"I used to think you're too cool for relationships. That's what you want everyone to think. But I think I see you now."

"Whatever that's supposed to mean?" As he fetched his clothes, I turned away to give him some privacy. He threw his towel on the bed, and I kept my gaze focused ahead on the wall.

"You simply don't care. You care about nothing, no one. I thought you were commitment phobic, like most guys are, but you... you're just emotionless. You don't feel anything. Nothing means anything to you."

I said that minutes after he'd told me he cared about me. What the hell was wrong with me?

He was quiet, and I wondered if he was still in the room with me.

I turned slightly. He was. He was watching me. When I turned to look at him squarely, I found that his eyes were distant.

"Maybe you're right." He shrugged and collected his things before walking to the door. As he opened it, he didn't immediately walk out, just stood halfway through, one hand resting on the frame as he stared at the floor before looking up at me and nodding.

"You're right," he said and left.

I'm not.