Chapter Fifty - Out of Misery

"Hey, Becks." Sean stepped out of his car. He wasn't wearing his usual friendly face, and it made me wonder if he remembered last night. Of course he did. He looked part angry because I hadn't kissed him and part guilty because he'd tried to force me to.

"All good?" he asked with a straight face.

"We need to talk."

He rounded his car and leaned against it, crossing his arms over his chest like he already knew what was coming. "About?"

"I..." I trailed off right after uttering the first syllable, forgetting my speech. Yes, I'd prepared a speech to tell him everything in a way that would anger him the least.

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"

Direct confrontation again. I felt a single drop of sweat trail down my back as I studied his face. He didn't look surprised or disappointed. In fact, it felt like he would've broken up with me anyway if I hadn't said it first.

I bit down on my lip, barely hearing my own voice when I said, "Yes."

But then, I finally saw the fight and anger in his eyes, despite which, he asked calmly, "Is this about what I did last night?"

I licked my lips once. "I wish I could say yes and just put this all on you, but you deserve better. No, this isn't just about last night."

He looked baffled. "What else did I do?"

"Not you. Me."

All colour drained from his face. "What do you mean?"

I hesitated for a second, then sighed out loud. "I know I have to tell you this, but I don't want you to hate me."

As something dawned on him, his lips curled with distaste, and he shot me a dirty look like he already knew what it was about. "Did you sleep with someone else? Wait!" His eyes widened, and he snapped around to Matt's house. "You slept with him, didn't you?"

"No!" I grabbed his arm and tugged at it only to have his glare fall back on me. The look of pure disgust in his eyes made me flinch, but I knew I couldn't back down now. "I did not sleep with anyone, I promise you that. I-I just... made out with someone."

His disappointment toned down a bit, but it was still there as he demanded, "Who?"

I shrugged slightly in embarrassment, cutting a glance at Matt's house.

"I fucking knew it!" he snarled. "How could he do this?" His eyes were full of rage as he started to angrily march across the street and I found myself desperately catching up with him to block his way.

"I kissed him, Sean. I was the one who started it and Matt stopped me. He didn't let anything happen."

He froze.

And then, betrayal and hurt flashed in his eyes and in that moment, I realized how horrible of a person I was for hurting a nice person like him. He took in a deep breath, shut his eyes and when he opened them, they were full of disappointment and disbelief.

"I asked you, Rebekah. I asked you so many fucking times and you lied to me each time. How could you do that?"

My gaze met the ground as I could feel my cheeks turning red with embarrassment. I'd never been the bad person before. And being confronted by him made me feel disgusted with myself. I could feel unshed tears stinging my eyes but I tried my best to blink them back. I didn't want to cry my way out of it by having him pity me. I'd wronged him and I knew that.

"I'm sorry, Sean. I really am. This is all my fault."

"Yes, it is!" he snapped, stepping closer. "You cheated on me. Unbelievable! You never deserved me."

A single stubborn tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away, sniffling. "You're right."

"Great. Now you're gonna cry," he scoffed to himself, taking a step back. "I'm not dealing with this shit. Don't ever talk to me again." He got into his car, slammed the door shut and drove away.

I let out a shaky breath and walked towards my driveway, curling my fingers around the light pole and clutching it tightly to somehow control my tears before heading back inside my house.

"Becks?" someone called softly and I flipped around, startled.

Aiden stood there with a look of concern plastered on his face. "Are you okay?"

I quickly wiped my tears with the back of my hand and nodded.

"I just saw Sean leave. What did he say to you to make you cry like that?" His lips twisted into a frown.

"Nothing I didn't deserve."

"Hey! Whatever he said, just ignore it, okay? He's a douche to leave you crying like this."

"He's not. He's really not." I shook my head, inhaling shakily. "It's all my fault."

"Can I ask what happened?"

I let out a laugh through my tears. "You of all people don't wanna know. Trust me."

He was silent for a few seconds, then asked in a low, deliberate voice, "the fact that you're screwing my brother has got something to do with this?"

I snapped my eyes to his, annoyed. "Why does everyone think we're screwing? While I had a boyfriend? I'm not that low. Okay, maybe I did kiss your brother but that's it."

He raised his hands up in surrender. "Sorry. You just had such a weird reaction that morning when I said you guys are not screwing, I thought oh well, they're definitely doing it."

I scoffed.

"But wow," he continued with a little smile, "with the way you two look at each other and literally hang out all day, I'm surprised you've made it this far without—"

"You're not helping."

"Sorry."

It wasn't the break up with Sean that had hurt me, obviously. That was kind of a relief. It was how disgusted I was with myself. It wasn't Sean's fault and neither was it Matt's. It was all mine. I'd messed things up just because I couldn't make up my mind about who I'd liked.

Aiden stood behind me patiently as I tried to pull myself together. It only reminded me of how Matt had waited for me to be done with crying at the club when I'd caught Sean and Ashley making out.

"You should go home," I said to Aiden. "I'm about to head in as well."

"You first."

I gave him half a smile over my shoulder. "Thank you, Aiden."

"I didn't even do anything." He shrugged, then asked after a thoughtful silence, "So not trying to make it worse but just wanted to check some facts. You broke up with Sean, right?"

I nodded. "It was the right thing to do. If I hadn't, he would've done it anyway after knowing the truth."

"He'd be an idiot not to."

I was busy wallowing in self-pity but I still noticed the gleam of excitement on his face at the news.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't tell Matt about any of this, okay?"

He smirked. "I won't."

"Thank you." I headed back inside my house.

*****

"He hates me," I'd muttered as Sean had completely ignored me at the coffeeshop.

It was a very unfortunate coincidence. I hadn't been expecting to run into him until Monday at school but he happened to have showed up at the coffeeshop where I was hanging out with my friends on Saturday evening, just three hours after the break up.

The moment he'd walked inside with some of his buddies, his eyes had landed on me. Taken aback, I'd offered him a smile but he'd completely ignored it and walked to a table in the other corner of the room.

"You did the right thing." Mack patted me on the back.

"I know. But I just wish we'd ended things on a better note. He's a nice person and I feel so horrible."

"It had to be done, Becks. Stringing him along would've been worse." Meera gave a hard, encouraging smack to my shoulder. That was her love language. Sometimes, I wondered if she was the same with Chad and pitied the poor dude.

I nodded slowly, taking a big sip of my strawberry milkshake.

"To think you took up a six-month music challenge for a relationship that didn't even last six days." Cheryl shook her head at me.

I must have been too deranged at that point to laugh at that. "Oh, the things I did to get Sean's attention."

"You took up this music challenge to get Sean's attention?"

Our heads turned sideways where Parker was blinking at us in surprise. "I knew you didn't just accept under crowd pressure."

I chuckled. "Yeah, you know now. It's embarrassing enough. Keep it a secret, will you?"

"Of course—oh fuck!" His gaze shifted to the phone he was holding up to his ear. "Hey, buddy. Tell me you didn't hear that."

My eyes grew wide and I furiously mouthed at him, "who is it?"

"Oh, he just hung up." Parker glanced at the phone nervously. "This is not good."

"Tell me it wasn't—"

"Uh...yes. It was Matt. I think I'm gonna head home now. Suddenly, I'm not in the mood for that milkshake anymore."

I gasped. "Parker!"

"Sorry. Please don't kill me. Bye."

"Oh my God! That guy lives to ruin my life. I'm gonna kill myself if I have another day that's full of drama and not normal. I miss normal." I buried my face in my hands.

"This is exhausting. I pity you, Becks," Meera sighed, patting my shoulder, this time with a lot more sympathy than before.

Needless to mention, I rushed straight to Matt's house the moment Mack dropped me home since that hot-headed musician had decided to ignore my calls and texts.

"He took off," Aiden stated while pouring himself a glass of orange juice. He offered me some, and I shook my head.

"Took off where?"

"I don't know, and honestly, I don't bother asking when he looks like he's going to sucker punch anything that breathes in his way. But I'm sure he'll be back soon. What's up?"

"I just need to talk to him. He's not answering my calls."

"Let me try. But everything's okay, right?" He raised a brow while dialling Matt.

"I guess."

"Matt, where are you?" Aiden asked, then rolled his eyes. "I know it's none of my business. Just checking in. Becks is here. She wants to talk to you. Here." He almost handed me the phone but brought it back to his ear, cringing. "Jeez! Calm down. Okay, bye."

He hung up, and I blinked at him. "What was that?"

"I'm fucking busy, Aiden. Don't call me again. Translation: I don't wanna talk to her. Wow, you two are a mess." Aiden shook his head at me.

"Your brother is unbelievably childish."

With that, I stormed to my house.

If he didn't wanna give me a chance to explain, fine!

*****

Tap!

I sat up on my bed with a frown. Was I hearing things?

Tap...tap tap

A few more rhythmic taps followed, and my eyes averted to the window.

"Becks?"

I gasped, instantly recognizing that voice, and sprung out of bed to rush towards the window, yanking it open.

"What the hell!" I said under my breath at the sight in front of me.

Matt had his arms crossed over the window sill as he looked up at me with a charming half smile and flashed his eyebrows. "Hey!"

"Oh my God, Matt! What are you doing?" I shrieked.

"Just...hanging around."

"Oh God!" I grabbed his arms and tugged at them to pull him inside. He started to climb up and halfway through, his weight shifted on me and I staggered back a few steps until he'd safely made it inside my room.

When I let go of him, he unexpectedly stumbled a step forward before steadying himself and pointing his thumb back. "What took you so long? I could've fallen to my death out there."

"I was sleeping." My brows pulled together in confusion. "And you wouldn't have died..."

"Sleeping? What time is it?" He scowled.

"It's almost midnight," I muttered, tilting my head to stare into his bloodshot eyes. "Wait! Are you...drunk?"

"Not really." He shook his head to convince me but the slur in his speech and the way he started looking around my room, a little lost, gave him away.

"Oh...kay." I smiled, baffled. "Can I get you something? Water? Lemonade, maybe?"

"No. That's...not what I'm here for."

"So, what are you doing in my room at midnight?"

He took a moment to consider as if remembering why he'd come here and then, his intense brown eyes snapped to mine. When he took a step closer, I found myself immobile because if I didn't know him, I'd be scared at the sight of a well-built drunk guy towering over me.

And suddenly, I was reminded of the way Sean had acted the night before when he was drunk but I couldn't find a single atom in my body that told me I should be scared of Matt in that moment.

Another step.

"I have to ask you something."

I sucked in a breath. "What is it?"

He took that final step between us and gently lifted my chin up to face him squarely. For a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me but all he did was watch.

He was carrying so much warmth with him and I fought the urge to bury my face in his chest and embrace him altogether. But not before I'd smacked him in the shoulder for ignoring my calls and texts all evening.

"Rebekah." His voice was soft enough to make my insides flutter yet deep enough to make my legs give way. "Tell me what I heard today is not true. Tell me you did not take up this challenge to impress Sean. Tell me he's not the reason why you and I started hanging out."

I exhaled slowly.

I don't wanna lie to you, Matt.

After five seconds of waiting for my response and pleading me with his eyes to deny, my silence seemed to have answered him as a look of hurt crossed his face and he nodded to himself.

"He is. You did it for him. Everything is about him. Everything you do is for him."

"Not anymore, Matt. It doesn't matter anymore."

He didn't seem to have paid any attention to that in his daze as he let go of my face and took a step back.

"Matt, listen to me. Sean and I—"

"No, Rebekah! You listen to me," he cut me off desperately. "I just let a complete stranger at the bar convince me that in the end..." His hands went back to my face and his thumbs started to caress my cheeks with the softest of touch. "...you're going to be mine."

I don't know why I felt my heart swell with joy. Bless the stranger!

He clenched his jaw. "That I had nothing to worry about. And I believed him like an idiot and on my way here, I was calm as fuck, happy even... assured only because I believed...the fucker. And what was even the point?"

I bit down on my lower lip to suppress a smile. He looked so adorable when he was disoriented and drunkenly messing up his sentences. If he had an ounce of sobriety in him, I would've probably snogged him right then.

"Matt, listen to—"

He leaned down and placed his forehead against mine, now brushing my face with his hot breath. "Stay with me."

Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. His words imprinted in my head like an everlasting echo.

He gave me a little nudge and that's all it took for me to be lying back on my bed, under him.

My momentary surprise was overthrown by the sight of him hovering on top of me as he pushed my hair out of my face. And the next thing I knew, his mouth was on my neck while his large hand caressed my thigh, leaving tingles wherever he touched.

My words were caught in my throat when his lips closed around a spot on my neck, and he sucked.

I shut my eyes to relish his lips against my bare skin as he whispered, "Does this feel wrong to you?"

His mouth travelled upwards and stopped right over mine. I felt a spark light up my entire body when he brushed his lips against mine but did not kiss me. I could sense his inner struggle in holding himself back. Every time he brought his lips over mine with resolve, I would begin to anticipate our kiss, but then he would regain control and pull back again. A part of me just wanted to snatch him up and kiss him senseless.

But then, I have no idea how my brain suddenly started to function and reason amidst all that.

As much as I wanted him and was ready for him to take me right there, he was still drunk. And if we were ever actually going to do the deed, I wanted both of us to be sober the first time. I didn't want him to wake up after sleeping with me and have regret as his first thought. Especially when he hadn't given me a chance to tell him about my break up with Sean yet.

Good reasoning, Becks. But would a little kiss hurt?

I stared up at him, my insides quaking with amorous desire. And there was only one emotion in his eyes too—want.

So why the hell am I holding myself back?

Okay, maybe that little kiss will hurt. If you start this, Becks, neither of you is going to stop. Not this time.

My chest heaved up as I drew in another long breath and finally muffled that voice in my head. Fuck it. I buried my fingers in his hair and pulled him down to kiss me.

Only, he didn't move. He'd gone completely rigid on top of me like a stone as he shut his eyes and shook his head. "Not like this."

As if he were out of his daze now, he rolled over so he was lying next to me, facing the ceiling and muttered again, "Not like this."

In a flash, he was out of my bed and near my window, climbing out without a look back at me while I was still lying on the mattress, catching my breath.

"You can use the front door," I muttered, too low to be audible even to me but it was too late. He'd already left and I breathed out, "never mind."

*****

I think I was past the point where I was smiling and pretending like everything was okay between us. Last night shook me. In a good, exciting way but that didn't mean I could just go back to pretending it never happened like the time we made out in his room.

I'd decided on telling Matt I'd broken up with Sean once things got a little better between us.

It was Sunday. So, I'd woken up at 10 a.m., watched a movie with Mrs. Brooke, had a nice brunch with my parents and in the evening, I'd decided to meet up with my friends for bowling. I needed a break from everything. Hell, they needed a break from my constant whining.

"3 points? What am I? A joke?" Meera scoffed at the alley before returning to stand next to me.

"It's okay. It's been a while." Cheryl grinned, lifting the ball and gracefully tossing it down the alley, striking down all the pins at once.

"That's like my girl." Mack grinned at her while throwing his arm across her shoulders and pecking her cheek.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I didn't even have to check it again to know it was Matt.

He'd called me in the morning. I hadn't picked up. Then, around 2 p.m., I hadn't picked up again. After that, he'd called me two more times, then stopped, until now.

Rebekah: I'm out.

I sent him that text and locked my phone, shoving it back in my pocket.

"My turn again, bitches!" Meera snapped, lifting the ball in frustration.

"It's my turn." I scowled.

"You snooze, you lose." She was already making her way towards the alley and I noticed how her ankle was looking much better now. She'd also resumed driving a few days ago.

"Yes!" She punched the air in excitement as the ball knocked down all the pins, displaying a perfect strike on the scoreboard. "Finally!"

"Thanks for the points, Mee." I smirked.

She deadpanned. "Oh, come on!"

I chuckled.

"You owe me a milkshake for that strike."

My eyes narrowed playfully. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood."

She grinned. "To the coffeeshop, people!"

"We're finishing the game first, loser." Mack threw the ball on his turn, dropping eight pins and flashing a grin at Meera. "Ha!"

She gave him a sarcastic smile.

After we were done with bowling, we spent an hour in the coffeeshop, sipping on our favourite milkshakes and talking about random stuff.

I didn't think about Matt once and started feeling a little better but as Mack dropped me in front of my house, I couldn't help but throw a glance over at his house.

I found myself smiling at the kittens playing in the front yard. I hadn't met them in a while.

For a few seconds, I just beheld the sight of them running around so actively and excitedly until I realized that Matt was right there.

He was sitting on the garden step, eyes fixed on me. When he saw me looking, he got up and started making his way across the street.

"I've been calling you," he grumbled.

"I texted you I was out," I replied.

He scrutinized my face for a moment, then nodded. "I'm sorry about last night."

"It's alright."

His brows pulled together in perplexity. "No, it's not. That was out of line."

"Out of line?" I raised a brow. "It's not like anything happened that hasn't already happened between us before."

"It was different. I wasn't in control and if something had happened, I wouldn't have been able to stop us."

I swallowed. "Right. If you were in your senses, you'd have more control over playing with me and making me beg you to kiss me, right? I bet it wasn't half as much fun as it was at the party when you got to toy with my emotions."

Direct confrontation was probably not his thing either as he seemed taken aback by my response, but he wasn't flustered with himself. He looked more focused on studying me.

"Yes, to the first half," he finally said.

"You must've been so relieved in the morning when you realized that nothing had happened, right?"

"Ye—"

He was cut off when I pushed my hair out of my neck, that I had left there to hide the hickey he'd given me. His eyes fell on it, and he just stared at it for a few moments. He seemed to be slowly recalling giving me that. Any other person would've been embarrassed, but not Matt Williams. God, no! He looked like an artist admiring his work as his prideful eyes ran over it, but then he cleared his throat.

"I probably shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"Probably?" I raised a brow.

Seeing how serious I was, I could tell he was slowly trying to get rid of the humour he'd found in the situation, and he finally did manage a straight face. "I shouldn't have done that."

"But you'd do it again, wouldn't you?" I stepped up to him. "It doesn't matter whether or not you'll be drunk next time, whether or not I'll have a boyfriend. You'll just do it anyway, won't you?"

"Not if you tell me not to do it."

He meant it. And that was both the best and the worst part.

"And if I do, you're okay with me cheating on some poor guy with you?"

"If I were, we would've done a lot more at this point, don't you think, Becks?"

Damn him and his perfect reasoning.

"And if I don't break up with him? Will you leave me alone?"

He swallowed, a fear settling in his eyes like I'd just told him my decision. Then, he shook his head, and a wave of relief washed over me.

"I don't think I'm capable of leaving you alone anymore. But I'll somehow learn to keep my hands off you."

"So, we'll just be friends then?"

He swallowed hard again. "If that's what you want."

"Well, too late for that because Sean and I broke up."

He went still, a look of surprise crossing his face as his eyes grew wide for a split second.

"I..." He exhaled. I don't know if it was relief that I saw in his eyes after that, but whatever it was, he blinked it away and asked, "What happened?"

"I told him that you and I made out."

"Then he dumped you?"

"Like any rational person would." I shrugged.

He nodded to himself, eyes becoming distant all of a sudden as he uttered hesitantly, "I'm sorry?"

"Oh, please. We both know you're not."

Again, I didn't miss the flash of humour in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it had appeared as he gave me a long, hard look. "Are you okay?"

"What does it matter?"

He was not happy to hear that. As I started to walk away, he grabbed my arm to stop me. A deep scowl was sitting on his lips as he scanned my face like he was trying to read my thoughts. "I know this must be hard on you. You've wanted him for months—"

"What? This isn't about me and Sean. I would've broken up with him even if he'd decided to forgive me for that, not like he's stupid enough to do that, but still."

A mixture of confusion and worry fell on his face. "Then what is wrong with you?"

I let out a laugh. "You."

"Me? Is this about last nigh—"

"I don't know!" I shouted. "I don't know anything. I'm sick of overthinking and coming to conclusions. I was so confused about my own feelings for weeks that I can't even begin to guess anyone else's, no matter how clear or obvious the signs are.

"So, Matt, if there's anything on your mind, don't expect me to rely on your actions because, in my case, they do not speak louder than words. I feel dumb and stupid and clueless, and I just wanna close my eyes and only listen. So, if there's nothing you have to say to me, just shut up and stay away from me for the next two weeks until I get my shit together and if there's something ...going on...in your head," I swallowed, just staring at him for a solid ten seconds before uttering out each word clearly,

"Just put me out of my misery, will you?"