Chapter Fifty Nine - Selfish

At 6 a.m., I had showered and was ready for school.

I'd woken up at 5 when Matt was putting his shoes on to leave. He hadn't meant to wake me up, but lately, I'd been a light sleeper. When he'd seen me shuffling to consciousness, he'd just stopped to stare at me and ran the back of his hand down my cheek.

There was an enigmatic silence between us. Neither of us spoke a single word, and just like that, he'd started to walk over to my window. Without a second thought, I'd followed him, and he'd given me one final look and exhaled before climbing out of my room.

I'd gotten back under the covers right away to just breathe in his fading scent, missing him already.

And now, at 6:15, I was heading downstairs for breakfast. I found Blake sitting on the island stool, hair messy, and eyes half closed.

"Hey, sleepyhead." Mom placed a cup of coffee in front of him and ruffled his hair. "Why don't you get some more sleep?"

"I have an assignment due today."

Mrs. Brooke placed a plate of pancakes in front of him.

"Rebekah!" Mom saw me at the kitchen entrance and smiled.

"Hey, mom. How come you're still home?"

"Your dad's running a little late today. So, I'm just waiting for him."

"Hey, Becks. Why do you keep your door locked at night?" Blake asked while pouring syrup over his pancakes. "I misplaced my charger yesterday and needed yours. I showed up and knocked. You didn't answer. I thought you must be asleep and decided to get it myself, but the door was locked."

In that moment, I started thanking all my lucky stars for making me remember to lock it last night.

"R-right." I nodded.

"Really? You lock your door at night? How are we supposed to come and get you if there's an emergency?" Mom shook her head at me. "Why do you lock it?"

I swallowed nervously.

I sleep naked. The excuse came to me, and as uncalled for as it was, I opened my mouth to say it until—

"Of course, she locks her door at night," came a voice from behind me. Nick walked in and settled on the island stool next to Blake. "I'm in the house. She doesn't wanna wake up with red hair again. Good caution, Becks."

I let out a breath of relief and smiled at him. "Exactly. I can never be too careful around you."

He winked at me and shifted a whole pancake from Blake's plate to a new one and started eating. Blake scowled at him but poured syrup over his leftover pancakes nonetheless.

"Okay, I gotta go. Bye, kids." Mom left the kitchen with a coffee for dad as he came downstairs. Mrs. Brooke brought me my pancakes and a glass of juice.

"Thank you." I smiled at her and started having my breakfast.

"Hey! Do you remember that place we used to go to for milkshakes?" Blake asked. "Is that still running?"

I nodded. "I go there with my friends all the time."

"You wanna go after school today?"

"Sure! That would be awesome."

"Great! We'll pick you up then."

"We?" Nick frowned.

"You got something better to do?" Blake asked.

"No but—"

"Great then. We'll pick you up, Becks."

I chuckled at Nick's face. Somebody needed to throw that guy in a club or something. I knew him well enough to know that sitting at home and not having any fun was killing him.

"See you guys." I got up and left.

*****

"You wanna come with us to the coffeeshop?" I asked Meera.

"Sure—wait, us? Are you going with your brother and his best friend?"

"Yep."

She sighed. "I was really looking forward to having a milkshake. Never mind."

"What? What's wrong with going with them?"

"Hello? Two hot college guys? I'll keep wondering if I'm sipping my milkshake right, not accidentally slurping or spilling it on the table."

I scoffed. "You've literally never done that. And they eat like animals at home. So, I think you're good."

"I still don't wanna take any chances. Some other time, okay?"

"Okay. See you tomorrow, then."

"Oh wait! I could ask Chad if he wants to hang out." She quickly pulled her phone out and sent him a text. Only three seconds later, her eyes lit up. "Great. He's up for it and he'll meet me there. Want a ride?"

"Thanks, but my brother's on his way."

"Okay. See you there. I'll wave at you from my table."

I chuckled. "Sounds like a plan."

"Bye." She got into her car and drove away.

While waiting for my brother and Nick, I looked around the parking lot for Matt but couldn't find his car anywhere. We hadn't talked all day. I'd sat through the entire practice in the morning, and he'd just looked at me once. That was it. I didn't run into him between classes, so I looked forward to seeing him during lunch, but he was absent because of some football meet. So were the other players. Hence, I was sure he wasn't making it up to avoid me.

After five minutes of mindlessly strolling in the parking lot, Blake and Nick showed up.

"What's up with that face, Becks?" Blake asked as he rolled his window down. "You look like somebody just told you you're barred from attending prom this year."

I forced a smile. "It's nothing. I'm just a little stressed out. Finals are coming up and then there's this music competition."

"Uh uh," Nick cut in. "You're forgetting something that's between finals and the competition. Like my buddy here mentioned, the prom." He wiggled his brows at me from the front seat as I climbed into the backseat.

I scoffed, "Yeah."

"Tell me, Becks, on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you our school always has a combined junior/senior prom?"

"Why would she be happy about that?" Blake was baffled. Shit! I almost blurted something nervously until he beat me to it. "Oh! Right! Sean is a senior."

"Yeah. Sean." I breathed in relief, and Nick threw me a smirk.

"Has he asked you?" Blake asked.

"Not yet... but he will. I-I mean, I hope he will."

"Of course he will. He'd be stupid to not."

I suddenly realized that Matt hadn't asked me yet. Did he even want to go with me anymore? He was mad, but I was hoping he wasn't that mad.

The car came to a stop, and I silently followed Blake and Nick inside the coffeeshop.

I did have a one-track mind because all I could think about was Matt. I really needed to talk to him, and not getting to do that was killing me. Hence, nothing could cheer me up. Not even my favourite milkshake place.

But I'd probably had that thought too soon. My favourite milkshake place could cheer me up if my boyfriend was in there.

The moment I'd walked inside, to my utmost surprise, I'd found Matt in a booth in the far end corner with Will, Parker, Chad, and Meera.

My face lit up upon seeing him. He saw me immediately but didn't react and just went back to sipping his coffee like he hadn't noticed me. I was disappointed until I quickly reminded myself it was because of Blake. It was, right?

"Is he following us? It's like he's everywhere!" Blake shook his head with a scowl, noticing him too and chose a booth in the other end, far, far away from theirs.

"They were here before us. So, if anything, we're following him," I pointed out.

Nick passed me a smile and opened the menu. "So, what's good here, nerds?"

I let that go and answered, "Try any milkshake. I love them all."

"Fine. Surprise me." He shut the menu and leaned back, crossing his arms as he checked the place out.

"Alrighty. What about you, Blake?"

"I'll have chocolate milkshake."

"Nice choice. I'll go and order."

"Are you sure? I can do it."

"It's fine." I got up and made my way to the counter. Since I was a regular, the barista knew me well and greeted me with a smile. "Hey, Rebekah."

"Hey, Judy. How are you?"

"I'm great. What can I get you today?"

"I'll have one chocolate and two strawberry milkshakes."

"Got it."

As I passed her the money, I felt a presence beside me and didn't have to turn to recognize that cologne going by the sense of comfort it brought me. Still, I turned my head to the side to look at him after having been deprived of the sight of it all day.

"Hey!" I gave him a little smile.

"Hey." He cut a glance at me before slipping a bill to Judy and ordering another coffee.

"I didn't see you at school today."

His deep brown eyes fell on mine, and after a moment of silent scrutiny, he replied, "Yeah, it's been a really busy day. With finals and the big game coming up."

"I know! There's so much. There's also the competition, and there's—" I cut myself off, not wanting to remind him about prom. I didn't want him to think I was dropping a hint to make him ask me. I wanted him to ask because he wanted to.

"There's?" He raised a brow.

"Your music event."

"Our music event," he corrected.

"We don't know yet if I'm gonna get to perform with you."

"Even if you don't, you're gonna be there with me," he stated, then after a moment said unsurely, "Or at least I'm hoping you will be."

I felt something break inside my chest.

"I will be there," I stated firmly.

After a moment, I noticed him bringing his hand next to mine on the counter, twitching to reach out but somehow holding back. It took everything within me to not just bring them closer and intertwine our fingers, but I knew better.

"My brother's probably watching. We don't wanna give him a stroke," I chuckled nervously.

But he didn't find any humour in that as he withdrew his hand and nodded sternly. "Of course."

I shut my eyes and cursed myself under my breath.

"Matt—"

"Becks," he cut me off, keeping his eyes ahead. "I don't think you can ever tell him."

"I will," I argued quickly.

He snapped his eyes to mine, and I felt all air leave my lungs when he took a step closer, clearly not giving a damn about Blake watching anymore. I could see the anger and frustration in his eyes. "You know what? You should just kiss me right here right now and get this over with. No words needed at all."

"What? You really are trying to give him a stroke."

We went silent, staring at each other, me slowly melting under his hard gaze until he looked away and exhaled loudly. "Never mind."

He left the counter.

Knowing I couldn't even go after him, I sighed to myself just as Judy came back with the milkshakes. I grabbed two of them and looked around for help with the third.

"I'll help you," she offered.

"Thanks a lot!" We made our way back to our booth, and she left. I settled down and sipped on my strawberry milkshake.

Not more than five seconds had passed when my brother asked me, "What did he want?"

Nick slammed his palms on the table and scoffed, "Here we go. Not even five seconds, Blake. Come on!"

Glad I wasn't the only one counting seconds of the awkward silence at our table.

"You know that this is a coffeeshop, right? Matt was ordering. What is wrong with you, Blake?" I snapped at him, a little annoyed.

"Jeez. Calm down both of you. I was just asking."

"I don't wanna hear another word about Matt from you. You get me?" I leaned forward on the table, glaring at him.

He blinked at me. "I'm sorry? Please don't kill me."

Still annoyed, I cut a glance at my friends' table. Matt wasn't with them anymore. What the hell?

I pulled my phone out and texted Meera.

Rebekah: Where's Matt?

Meera: I was gonna ask you if something had happened. He just stormed out of here.

Rebekah: I made him mad. I chose my brother again, I guess.

I quietly drank my milkshake.

Meera: Aw, Becks. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's all gonna be okay. Talk to him later, okay? Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

I smiled weakly at the screen.

Rebekah: Thanks, Mee. I will.

*****

After coming back home, I'd decided to head straight up to my room instead of hanging out in the living room with my brother and Nick. I'd taken a long shower while sulking over the situation I'd put both Matt and myself in just because I was too cowardly to stand up to my brother.

After about thirty minutes of a self-pity and self-degrading session, I put on my pajamas, pulled my hair up in a bun, and headed downstairs for lunch.

Nick had his feet propped up on the couch while working on his laptop. Just as I was at the foot of the stairs, he looked up at me.

"Hey," I said while making my way to the kitchen.

"Hey." He made a weird face. "What's wrong with you?"

"What? I just said hey."

"Exactly. To me."

I rolled my eyes.

"Becks?"

"What?"

"Can I ask you something?"

I stopped in my tracks and turned to him, crossing my arms. "What?"

"You and Matt, how did that even happen?"

My eyes grew wide as I looked up the stairs, near the kitchen and around the living room in a panic.

"Relax. Blake went out to the grocery store. I'm not an idiot."

I sighed in relief.

"You know, ever since I've found out, I've been meaning to ask you this one question: how?"

"Why are you so interested?"

"Are you kidding me? How could I not be interested? I mean, you couldn't even stand looking at him for all those years. What the hell could have possibly happened?"

I stared out of the window pensively before shrugging. "Honestly, I don't know."

"What? He didn't slip you some love potion, did he? Maybe you're just under influence, Becks." He chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at him. "I mean, I don't know exactly when things started changing, Nick. I mean, I had a thing for Sean, and I took up the music challenge to impress him. But it ended up bringing me and Matt close, and one day he became tolerable, and then another day, I just...I started liking his company...way more than I liked Sean's." I shrugged.

"Wow," he said under his breath as he watched me, a little smile forming on his lips.

"You know, he's so great, Nick. You have no idea how lucky I feel to have him. But I just keep messing things up with him. I keep letting him down. I don't know what to do." I ran my fingers through my hair.

He was silent, and I cringed, realizing that I'd probably shared too much. Nick wasn't the kind of person to have a heart to heart with. He was an easy-going guy, and I knew the last thing he wanted was to hear about his best friend's sister's life drama.

"Sorry. I'm gonna go to the kitchen—"

"Do you ever paint?" he asked.

I blinked. "No."

"I do."

"Oh...kay."

"Sometimes, you start with a picture in your head and end up with something completely different on the canvas. It's different but good. It's yours. And you like it. You think it's better than what you had in mind, so you start building on it, trying to perfect it further. And when you feel like you're unable to do it, you get frustrated."

He shut his laptop and placed it next to him so he could lean forward.

"But sometimes, you have to take a step away from the canvas to realize that it's perfect already."

Oh...wow. His words suddenly got me thinking from a different perspective. Like I'd just pulled myself out of my own life and started looking at it from up above like an album. It really wasn't that complicated.

Nick got up and patted my shoulder. "You get me?"

"I'm...in the process. I'll get there."

"Good." He walked into the kitchen and came back out with a chocolate bar and went upstairs to his room. It was my chocolate bar, but I let it slide.

"Thanks, I guess," I said to no one in particular.

*****

I did not try to reach Matt that evening. I had plans with Meera.

I did see him before I left with her, though. He was out in his yard with the cats. The moment his eyes locked with mine, he held my gaze, clearly expecting me to come talk to him, but I got into Meera's car, and we drove away.

I came back home around 10 p.m. and without having dinner, I started heading straight up to my room in exhaustion.

"What about dinner?" Mrs. Brooke asked with disapproval. She hated it when I skipped meals. That seemed to have caught the attention of Blake and Nick in the living room who were arguing about something on either of their laptop.

"I'm not hungry," I stated dismissively and stumbled back a step, hiccupping as I attempted to climb up the stairs again.

"Becks?" Blake walked up to me with a scowl. "Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm good."

"You're slurring. Where the hell were you?"

"I was fine. Please leave me alone. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"What?" His brows furrowed. "If you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to call Meera. I know you went with her."

"God!" I pulled my hair in frustration. "Why are you so controlling, Blake? I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself. So, I had a few drinks. It's called having fun with friends. Jeez! Stay out of it!"

He fell silent for a moment, then nodded slightly. "Of course. But you're okay, right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Don't try to talk to me until morning."

With that, I went up to my room, habitually locked my door, and jumped straight into bed without even bothering to change my clothes.

And then, I started crying. I had no clue why. I was exhausted, sure, but I wasn't the one to cry easily. Maybe it was because my heart felt heavy, and I had no one to pour it out to. The only person I wanted to tell everything was the one I was hurting. I knew I kept hurting Matt, and what hurt me even more was that I couldn't see myself fixing it all anytime soon.

I was too drunk and emotional to realize someone had broken into my room until I heard footsteps next to my bed. I gasped in surprise and started cowering away until I saw who it was.

Matt looked completely taken aback. His eyes were fixed on my face, and they widened when he saw my ugly tears.

"What the hell?" He crouched on the floor next to my bed, eyes flashing with panic.

"W-what are you doing here?" I stuttered.

"Nick told me something was wrong with you. I came right away. Rebekah, what happened?"

"Nothing." I sniffled. "You should go."

"What?" he snapped in almost a whisper. "I'm not leaving you like this."

"I'm fine, Matt. It's nothing."

"No, you're not. You don't get drunk and cry like this for nothing. What's wrong? Did something happen?"

I buried my face in my pillow, trying to ignore the sting in my chest. I was hurting. My voice came out weak and muffled, "Please. I'm fine. You can't see me right now. Please go."

"What? I am seeing you, and I don't like what I'm seeing. Becks..." His voice became soft, and I felt him gently stroke my hair. "...is it because of what I said at the coffeeshop?"

"No. Stop blaming yourself for everything."

"What? I don't—" He took in a breath. "Okay. Becks, I need to know what happened. Look at me. Please. You're scaring the shit out of me."

I kept my face buried in the pillow.

"Fine!" He got up, and I found myself ever more depressed at the thought of him leaving.

"Meera, hey."

My face lifted from the pillow. He had his phone pressed to his ear and a deep scowl sitting on his lips.

"What the hell is wrong with her? And where the hell were you guys? She's been crying ever since she's come back."

I wondered if Meera was telling him about our secret plan.

"What? Why can't you tell me?... Yes, she's actually crying... A doctor? No, it doesn't look—WHY WOULD SHE NEED A DOCTOR?"

His eyes shifted to mine, and he did a quick scan of me.

What the hell did Meera say?

His shoulders relaxed. "She will? No, she's not. That's why I'm asking you! I have been asking her, but she's—fine! I just wanna know that she's not hurt." He inhaled sharply, and I held my breath. "Okay, thank you."

He hung up, eyes falling back on me.

I threw my face back in the pillow stubbornly and felt him sit down next to me.

After moments of silence, I heard him move and felt his hands near my legs. He took off my shoes and massaged my feet for a few seconds before pulling the covers on me.

"Please stop. I don't deserve you." I broke into a sob.

"What was that?"

"You heard me." I lifted my head to look him square in the eyes. "You do so much for me, and I can't even stand up to my brother for you."

A soft look reached his eyes. "Is that what's been bothering you?"

"Yes. And no, it's not because you said something today. I do have a mind to process and eyes to see how I'm neglecting you in front of Blake. I'm sorry, Matt."

"Hey." He stroked my hair. "If even wanting to stand up for me makes you this miserable, I'm willing to keep meeting you like this, sneaking in and out of your room. It's so much better than this." He pointed a finger across my face.

"See? That's what I'm talking about. You do so much for me." I placed my head on the pillow in exhaustion, allowing myself to hold his hand for comfort. Yes, I was selfish. Despite the kind of shit I'd been putting him through, I was still selfish enough to want him to stay with me.

A moment later, I felt his arm wrap around my waist and tilted my head to see him lying next to me right before he collected me in his arms, placing his chin on top of my head as he fingers softly stroked my back.

"Right now, I just need you to get some sleep, okay? I'm right here," he muttered, and once again, I selfishly buried my face in his chest and shut my eyes, letting sleep take over in the comfort of his embrace.

*****

"Rough night?" Nick made a face as I came downstairs the next morning. I swallowed my embarrassment and fetched myself some coffee, looking around to make sure we were alone.

"You didn't have to let Matt know about that."

"So, he did show up." He nodded, impressed. "I half expected him to ignore my message."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Why is it so hard to believe that he actually cares about me?"

He shrugged. "I just never pictured him as that kind of guy. Nice and caring, you know?"

"Why do you have his number?"

"I don't. I reached him through Instagram."

I sipped my coffee, feeling the throbbing at the back of my head.

"Hey, Nick, did you take my laptop—" Blake stopped abruptly when he noticed me. He'd stopped mid-way on the stairs while coming downstairs.

"Hey." I offered him an uneasy smile, recalling what I'd said to him last night.

"Hey. Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm sorry about last night."

"It's okay. I do ask a lot of questions, so..." He shrugged, trailing off.

"Yes, because you care about me. I was being a bitch. I'm sorry, Blake."

He walked up to me with a smile and ruffled my hair. "It's fine, Becks. Just feel better, okay?"

I nodded and he started to walk back when Nick said, "yes, I did take your laptop. It's in my room."

"Oh right! Thanks!" Blake ran upstairs.

"Hey! Can you cover for me for a while?" I asked Nick. "I gotta go to Matt's house."

"Cover for you? How am I suddenly a babysitter to your relationship? You know what I had in mind when I heard 'no college for a few weeks'? Girls. You know how many girls I've met since I've come here? Zero. You don't count."

I rolled my eyes. "Never mind. I'll just go at night."

"Of course you will. Even better." He smirked, wiggling his brows suggestively.

"Oh my God, Nick. Not everyone's like you, always thinking about sex."

He gasped dramatically. "You can say that word?"

"Bite me," I said sarcastically, then remembered what Matt would've done if I'd told him that and smiled.

"I don't think I'm the only one here thinking about sex. I bet you guys are doing it."

"God, Nick!" I threw a cushion on his face. "Just when I thought we could be friends."

"Wow, really? I'm honoured, Becks."

I rolled my eyes. "All this reminds me, what happened to that redhead you dressed up as batman for?"

"Oh, it didn't work out. But it's okay, I'm gonna find another redhead."

I blinked at him. "You sound like a total psycho but can I ask why specifically a redhead?"

"They're so unique and beautiful. I have a feeling if I ever settle down, which I don't see happening for a long, long time or ever for that matter, it's gonna be with a redhead."

I scoffed. "You even think about settling down? That's a shocker."

"You don't know anything about me, Becks. I'm all layers."

"Please, Nick. You're an open book. A five-year-old could read you."

"Oh really?" He raised a brow with interest. "And what exactly would they find in that book?"

"Oh, I can name a few things: sex, sweets, and alcohol. Am I wrong?"

He narrowed his eyes playfully.

"Yep. That's what I thought." I got up with a smirk.